Let the groundhog come out to play

OK, you've all been bugging me about my lack of blogging... it's hard for me to blog when I'm going through difficult times... I'm not of this generation which bares all. I've always been a big journal writer, so I know the therapeutic aspects of writing. It's just hard for me to share what is so personal. But I will try.

Experiencing grief can really wrench your soul. I've gone through the different "stages" since last Spring when my life changed... at first there was numbness and shock. Then so much hurt and so many feelings of abandonment. Then there were months of anger... I chose to let myself feel all of it. I don't believe in stuffing feelings. I believe you have to let yourself feel and experience all that life brings you. I believe it's the only way to heal and keep moving on. It is so so wrenching... but I hope worth it if I really can move on from this and live a full life again.

The last months I've moved out of anger, and into depression; I think the hardest part of all. What is the right way to handle this? Some would say, "get up, gird up you loins, push yourself, act as if..." I keep wondering, do I need to LET myself feel depression, same as the way I've LET myself feel hurt and anger? I really don't know what is right or best. But regardless of whether it is the best thing to do, I have let myself feel it, without self-condemnation (well, SOMETIMES without self-condemnation...) I've sunk deep, slept days away, cried more, mourned all the loss. I guess this could be dangerous... but luckily I have friends and family who have helped me not to sink too deep.

Some say that the last step of grief is acceptance. That's my goal. I feel I am making steps towards it... I want to be able to accept my life. I want to be able to keep the good memories of an eleven year marriage, and to let go of the hurt and pain of the fact that it ended, not of my own choice. To forgive. I don't want to try and erase eleven years of my life... I know I was led by the Spirit to my marriage. I asked for a companion, and I was given one. I had great experiences, tender moments, support when I went through frightening cancer. The fact that there was good in the marriage in some ways has made getting over its end harder. But I want to be glad for that goodness, not bitter about it.

I've learned that our expectations of life, which we kind of take from a "mold", thinking that we should go through all the steps that everyone else goes through... grow up, get married, have children, grand-children... I've learned that it doesn't happen that way for everyone. And I'm one of those "everyone's." I don't understand the whys and becauses of it, but I know that for me the ANSWER is to accept, trust, and to live life. Live MY life, as it has come to me. Take what has been handed to me. Find and be thankful for all the joyful parts of it. Actively LIVE the joyful parts. Live with my choices. Live with others' choices, no matter the hurt that they might have inflicted.

I've learned these things, but getting an answer and living by it are two different things. I'm trying. I'm trying to move along, and I'm understanding that it is a process that I am somewhere in the midst of.

In just the past few days, I've been seeing bits of acceptance seeping in, along little cracks that exist in the divorced/lost/left behind part of my soul. I feel so lucky for that! I feel like I'm slowly moving out of this deep depression, seeing the sun again. I'm not totally there yet. I'm kind of like a groundhog, who peeps out at the day for a few minutes at a time, then retreats back for awhile until he is ready to really come out and play... But I can see and believe that it is coming my way. A life lived fully in the sun, lived in each moment as it comes, not in past darkness. I have faith once again that perhaps my life can be lived in wholeness again. I'm hoping for it. I'm choosing to believe in it. And I'm praying for the strength to make it happen.